So, we visited Dad…

I am not sure how to describe this visit. I think I just seem to have a difficulty with this whole situation, and I am glad that John is holding up much better.

I guess, for some reason, I always imagined “aging together” and “aging gracefully” – not aging alone and sometimes seems without any dignity left. I always thought that at that point in your life, you should be able to enjoy every incredible memory and every second of your life that seems to matter. You should be able to get up in the morning and enjoy one more day – what a pleasant surprise to be blessed with enjoying sun one more day, be able to go out in the rain and smell freshly cut grass. You finally get a chance to get up in the morning, have your cup of coffee and read the newspaper leisurely and not to worry about work, mortgage, children, etc. This is a golden season of your life – maybe not health wise, but emotionally. Hopefully, your life was interesting and exciting, full of breathtaking moments and birthday parties, full of friends and enjoyable hobbies, full of love and caring. And now, you can sit down and look back at all of it – unhurried, deliberately taking your time and sitting in the chair smiling to yourself – what a life, what a blessed life.

But what if you really did not have such a wonderful life…Your life was full of co-workers, projects, deadlines and occasional vacations in the hurry to get back to work…What if you life passed by and only now you realize that every day that you spent in your office is gone and there is no way back…What if you do not remember that many joyful birthday cakes, loud friends, blissful dates, and delightful meals. What do you do than?

What if your memory escapes you? Maybe it really does not want to remember, to bring back those moments that do not put smile on your face…Or maybe there is really nothing much to remember – late nights in the office, lonely dinners, empty house, that never really became a home…Maybe that is what’s going on? I am not sure…

But it must be painfully difficult to fill those blank spots in your brain: you look in the mirror and you know that you had a long life, but what was there in that life? How can you not remember? And why all these people around you seem to know what’s best for you, what you want and what you need, and most importantly – what you actually should do? Who gave them that right? You?...Maybe, you really can not remember…Your son John and his wife came to visit you. Nice. But why are they here? And how can you be a good host if you can hardly remember who you are and where you are going…I am glad to see them, but again – where am I? So, we sit down and talk…It doesn’t really flow, but it is a conversation. I am doing well – I can remember now. Why does John tells me over and over again where I am – I KNOW! Stop it…Leave me in peace, let me be…Wait, let me be where? Where am I? And why I am not where I am supposed to be – at work! There is nothing else in my life that is more important – I want to go to work!

So, what is going on in that brain? Is that the only thing it can remember – work…Maybe…And how sad is that than? Hopefully, after we leave, Dad will remember good things, blissful moments, heavenly moments and hopefully we will be in those memories with him…