I love taking pictures – freezing a moment of time, preserving that moment in its original beauty. I can glance at the picture years later and instantly re-live that instant. I can bring the most striking flowers home with me without actually destroying them; I can take home ocean breeze and sandy beaches; I can carry home the most beautiful moments of my life – in my heart and in my pictures. Every photograph in my house reminds me of something dear to me, an instant, a second that I want to keep around forever. Every photograph is bearing part of me; every photograph is like a small puzzle piece – take a look at my pictures, put all the pieces of the puzzle together and you will realize exactly who I am.

Cats are furry balls with hearts…
Full of energy and smarts,
Full of love and caring nature,
Full of passionate adventure.
Cats are sure independent;
Lovely, curious, transcendent,
Cats are furry balls of love…
Always somewhere above
On the shelf, or on the desk,
In a pose that is grotesque…
Cats are furry balls of care -
With miraculous flair.

It’s raining…Since teenage years I always loved rain. It always gave me sense of peace, harmony, tranquility, serenity, and renewal. Stand in the rain and feel all of your trouble being washed off like all the dust gets washed off with the spring shower…Every drop of rain brings with it a new life – burst of freshness, color, and brightness. Every drop is touching your soul deep inside, discovering it under all the rubbish. Every drop creates a sensation of touching your skin gently. Every drop almost unwraps your nerves from all the mass called body. Every drop is something to look forward to…And now imagine standing under the rain and million of tiny drops discovering your body at the same time – sensation that is almost too much to bear. I love rain…

It’s raining outside…Since teenage years I always loved rain. It gave me that sense of peace, tranquility, serenity, and renewal. You stand in the rain and you feel all of your trouble being washed off like all the dust from the spring leaves. Every drop of rain brings with it new life – burst of freshness, color, and brightness. Every drop is touching your soul deep inside, discovering it under all the rubbish. Every drop creates this sensation of touching your skin gently. Every drop almost unwraps your nerves from all the mass called body. Every drop is something to look forward to…And now imagine standing under the rain and million of tiny drops discovering your body at the same time – sensation that is almost too much to bear. I love rain…

Ностальгия…Я даже не знаю как я могу описать это чувство… Как ты можешь объяснить, что ты скучаешь за запахом леса, росой, плакучими ивами, запахом свежескошенной травы, запахом бабушкиного чердака… Больше всего я наверное скучаю за ледяной водой из колодца…Может быть моя ностальгия не позволяет мне наслаждаться вкусом овощей и фруктов, а может быть все, что связано с Родиной, действительно вкуснее.

А с другой стороны – что такое Родина? Я уехала из страны, которой больше нет…Большинство своей сознательной жизни я прожила в Советском Союзе – этой страны больше не существует…Такое впечатление, как будто я придумала свое детство или все это мне приснилось…Страна из которой я уехала только становилась на ноги в 1998. Сегодня, когда я возвращаюсь на Украину – все изменилось, все чужое и только в редких случаях, когда я затеряюсь в дебрях своей души, я узнаю картинки из прошлого под кутерьмой изменений, которые рождены сегодняшним днем. Люди, площади, автобусы, дворы потеряли то, что я так любила и то, что пронесла в жизни через кошмар иммиграции.

Все совсем другое и я чувствую себя просто потерянной – что называть Родиной: навсегда потерянный Советский Союз; Украину, которая меняется и все еще ищет себя; уж точно не Америку с ее разноплановой жизнью, циничностью и одиночеством. Или, даже страшно подумать, нет у меня Родины…Но ведь родина это всеобъемлющее чувство поглощающее тебя изнутри, как же жить без Родины? Может быть именно поэтому я не могу найти себя, никак не могу успокоиться, все мне чего-то не хватает…Может быть, мне просто нужно найти Родину…



Nostalgia…I do not know how I can begin to describe this feeling…How can I possibly explain that I miss the smell of forest, the dew, the weeping willows, the smell of the new-mown grass, the smell of my grandmothers attic... Most of all I surely miss the icy water from the well... Maybe it is my nostalgia that does not let me to enjoy the delight of fresh taste of vegetables and fruits, or perhaps everything that is connected to the native land is, in fact, tastes better.

But if you look at it from the other side - where is my native land? I left a country that does not exist anymore...The majority of my adult life I lived in the Soviet Union - this country that is nowhere to be found... It almost seems like I imagine my childhood or I just dreamed it all up... The country I left in 1998 was just trying to stand up on its feet. Today, when I go back to visit Ukraine – it has all changed, everything is strange and only in the exceptional moments, when I totally bury myself in the depth of my soul, I can see pictures from the past under the turmoil of all the changes, which are initiated by the modern day. People, squares, buses, backyards are missing everything that I loved so much and everything that I carried with me through the nightmare of immigration.

Everything is entirely different and I simply feel lost – what should I call my native land: the forever lost Soviet Union; Ukraine, which still changes and still searches for its own identity; it is definitely not United States with its diverse life, cynicism, solitude and loneliness. Or maybe, as terrible as its sounds, maybe I do not have a native land... But native land is a universal feeling absorbing you from within and how am I suppose to live without the native land? Maybe that is a reason why I still can not find myself, I can not settle down and fine my inner peace, I am always missing something …Maybe, I simply need to find my native land...

Ностальгия

Я вышла на улицу –
Что-то не то…
Мороза нет зимнего,
Снега в лицо,
Березок нет – кумушек,
Нет и меня…
Лишь тело в Америке…
Тело – не я…

А снег идет в задумчивости утра,
Окутав холодoм меня.
В душе той ветер силой звука
Напомнит мне про млечность дня.
Про то, что все мы здесь случайно…
И выбор наш – лишь только прах…
Тоска вселенной в душу тайно
Забралась, обеспечив крах.
И я, как загнанная птица,
Как лебедь в вечности проблем
Пошла искать любовь – хоть в мыслях,
Искать душевных перемен.
Ищу тебя, взываю снова
К великим подвигам души.
Возьми меня, согрей хоть словом,
Ведь я живу пока есть МЫ.

Жизнь завертела судьбы
В вихре холодных дней.
Кто мы, и где мы будем,
Сколько внутри свечей…
Хватит ли света сердца,
Чтобы согреть людей? –
Тех, кто полет нам дарит,
Тех, кто всего милей.
Будешь ли ты спокойным
Просто внутри себя?
Силы, и свет, и ум твой,
Выведут нас туда
Где все ни просто, ни сложно,
Где нет любви и войны,
Где я с тобой и крылья
Мне лишь тобой даны!

It’s almost dark –
Not night, not day.
He seats across,
But far away…
Somewhere else,
Where I am not,
With stinking coffee
Which is hot.
I eat my meal.
He’s eating me.
Who’ll win, who’ll loose –
Eternity…
His eyes, his smile,
His look – Oh G-d!
I wish I could,
But I will not…
I want to love,
I want to give –
Just let me in,
Just let me breathe,
Just let me live
As part of you…
I ask too much?
But aren’t you?!

There are so many languages and religions in this world…However, instead of celebrating and admiring those differences, we – Humans – go into war over them. If you stop for a second and think about it – this world is so much more because of all that diversity and you would imagine that highly evolved species (as we think we are) would appreciate that, but no – instead we are trying to convince our neighbors that our language, way of living, and our religion is much better than theirs. World is a puzzle – each one of our cultures is a piece that has its own unique place in that puzzle – we all compliment each other and complete that puzzle at the same time. If we can not overpower each other in the unit of two – like marriage, who said we will be more successful in overpowering Nations, Regions, and Religious Tribes? How can we turn hostility and jealousy, sense of entitlement and superiority, feelings of being privileged and destructive power of all this into celebration of differences, cultural education, and World peace? Be proud of who you are, of your cultural background, your spirituality. But respect the beliefs of others. Maybe it is time for all of us to get that puzzle – not for our children but for ourselves – to help us realize that all of us are unique pieces to the same puzzle called World, and if we miss one – there is no way for any of us to ever feel complete…Find a peace within your heart and share it with the whole wide World!

Life plays with us all the time. We are so used to it; I do not believe we even notice it unless something astonishing happens. Well, something happened to me that changed my world – I needed to go on chemo therapy treatments. Sounds terrible, doesn’t it? But in reality –it was enlightening, encouraging, and very eye-opening experience. I know you could think that it sounds very strange, and it is quite difficult for me to explain. But for you, my friends, I will try…
I used to get up every morning, go to work, and basically – like a lot of us, was taking my life for granted. And than one day you get this notification – your Life membership expires in couple of years? month? days? And the biggest problem – is that you really are not sure when, how much time do you have left? When I travel, I always know that I have a certain numbers of days to enjoy the surrounding beauty. In this case – just a warning, simple cold notification – no expiration date. All of a sudden, life stops…
And new life begins…And as soon as I realized that it is in fact my address on that notification – life is changed, changed significantly, changed for the…dare I say, better? I woke up next morning feeling blessed that here I am in this beautiful world. I looked back at my life and grasp that there is so much I did not get a chance to accomplished yet; there are so many dreams that I did not realized yet; so any friends I did not meet; so many thoughts I did not share with the world trying to hug this big lonely place and make it just a little better. Every breath of air, every moment in time, every bird’s song, and every drop of rain – it all became so dear to my heart, so precious, beloved, cherished, and priceless. All of a sudden, I realized – this is a beautiful world, and I am in it – for G-d knows how long, but I am in it – enjoy! Leave your life! Love every second of it! Live like there is no tomorrow – so you never make the same mistake I made – taking something as beautiful as life itself for granted.

Letters…Or feelings that conquer us when we receive one…E-mails, faxes, voice mails, text messages, phone calls…nothing comes close to an old fashioned paper letter. I think the reason for that is that you can smell the person who wrote it; you can still feel warmth of their hands; you know that this person really cared – they wrote you a note. Doesn’t really matter if it is just a short note, or a letter; doesn’t really matter if it is a love letter or just a note from home…Maybe it reminds me of a message in the bottle – with all of its devotion, romantics, and sometime tragedy behind it…Maybe it reminds me of warm letters from my grandparents with news from home, love, and incredible sadness - since I am not near them at all times… Maybe it reminds me of the incredible love letters that I am saving as a real treasure of my life...Or maybe it is all about psychology and really truly seeing in between the lines – guessing who you are based on your handwriting…Whatever the reason is – letters are absolutely incredible. They can energize you, make you cheerful, make you miserable – but they never leave your heart intact…Warmth, tenderness, kindness, thoughtfulness, humanity of the letters always remind me that someone out there cares about me – love or hate –they care. And sometimes in life that is all that matters.

When I come home worn out and lonely after all the battles with invisible forces of my sometimes overpowering life, my dog is always there... I could be in the good mood, bad mood, I could be tired or energetic, she is always happy to see me… That tale and those incredibly devoted eyes never lie…She is the one who loves you, protects you, and teaches you to trust – if your dog doesn’t like someone, you probably shouldn’t as well. When I look in her eyes, sometimes I feel that she is a very furry human being on four short legs. The depth of her eyes is much deeper that human eyes – you probably know that saying: the more people I meet, the more I love my dog…
Every doggy must have a soul, where all of the hurts are buried away, where there are no judgments against us, where my doggy finds comfort if I am barking after a long day…All my doggy is waiting from me is a kind word and a tender touch – it wipes out all of the concerns, pains and trouble. Her heart and her soul is so understanding it makes you wonder how big that heart is, how deep that soul is…My doggy…My friend…My companion…My hiding place…In a perfect world, every dog would have a home and every home would have a dog…My dear Madison - my world is perfect!